Dear Sakshi,
    After a hiatus of almost seven months am back!!! And it's indeed a fine morning out here, hot and humid with unbearable temperatures, yet tolerable in some way. Life had taken quite a few unexpected turns ,but hey isn't that what life is all about...:-) My lil guy turned three last month and whoa what a funky three that is...lol! And I was thinking maybe once you pass the terrible twos ur safe...nope not at all..the saga of unbridled naughtiness, and complete madness continues. But gosh, how time has flown. Hardly get time these days for anything and I was really really missing penning my thoughts. Started working again and having a couple of things , u can call them pipeline projects waiting for their turn,so it's all back to doing what I love the most. Life never actually brings you what you think you need, it's always something else. But you know what there are people out there, for whom life turns out the way they expect!!! Lucky for them!!! Not even a simple journey turns out the way I want! Ya ! You can say that I don't have many boring moments in life....Maybe it's better this way..life has its way of casting shadows and rainbows , and you learn to accept them both...People hardly seem to understand your predicament. most idiots prefer to walk about with an attitude of having known you all along,or as if they couldn't be better judges of your life. When people start commenting on your life, don't we all get pissed off, except for saints....Well to all those feigning budhas out there , kindly understand that most of them time we do things we do because,we pretty much have a damn good reason for them. Oh but every other person is so busy with your life, to notice this. Sigh! Whom am I trying to convince anyways. It's the cliche story with every other person...Ta da! No miracles in sighting! The world is so choked up with all sorts of weirdos, freaks, jerks and perverts, that at times you wonder how you are gonna raise your child amidst all this.? But again, not everyone can be that bad can they,? Not everyone can be that cruel or inhumane or a jerk even? Gosh there has to be a silver lining out there and it's called hope allied with faith, and that's what's gonna keep us rooted to this earth, that which will take us forward in life...

Random thoughts on a rainy night!!!

Dear Sakshi,
      Heyyy there again!!! I just can't sleep and why is that so...? Well simply because in two days time I am gonna be travelling again with unix and that alone makes me wanna hide somewhere. Sigh! I soooo hate packing and no matter how much different manoevres I use, I always end up having excess baggage and its like I am going in for a war!!! I know I know!!! u may call it a case of completely unwanted brain stress...well lets put it this way, I am not somebody who likes travelling, most definitely detest it, when u have a fidgety,naughty and a completely uncontrollable 2 year old! Well thank God! I am travelling in the wee hours of the morning, which is actually the lifesaving part of my journey, since my lil' fellow loves his beauty sleep. Not that he gives me that much of a trouble when u compare the usual racket other kids present, while on a flight. Last time I remember there was this kid, around 4 or 5 years old was wailing through the entire 4 hour duration of the flight, and despite the fact that I proclaimed my son an angel at the precise moment, I just couldn't sleep with all the racket, whereas my baby boy slept through!!! The verdict...I still managed to look harassed and tired!!! I can't imagine how people fly with kids for the 12 hour 18 hour euro flights...yikes!!! Imagining myself in such a predicament...whether my son cooperates or not, I am sure to jump out in mid air, screaming "blue murder"!!! So I guess its evident the issue is with my mental make up and my preconceived notions regarding journeys...and not just the fact that I am travelling with a very curious and active toddler. I have this terrible urge to break free and be adventurous, but some stupid part of me always waved the red flag. Even while in school or college I was always comfortable treading known, well paved paths, and unlike my friends, was too scared to try anything new...I kinda regret it now, maybe I should have just gone out and completely freaked out, without a worry in the world...which doesn't mean I do it the wrong way and embarrass myself and my loved ones. There is still a part of me that wants to break free, to try new stuff, do things I would never have done before, go completely mad u know berserk for a day!!! Lol! Now that would have been fun...why didn't I ever think about all this when I could have done them, I don't know...There were people who told me that I was a stubborn fool who was letting go of a time that would never return, some told me that I had built a wall around me and that I wouldn't let anyone enter my domain...and there were yet others who told me that the day I listened to the inner me and let myself go, life would be much easier and stress free. I always had striven to be someone who followed the rules, if u know what I mean, always went by the book. Even when it came to my taste buds, I would refuse to try and taste something completely unknown to me, coz' i was scared of the outcome...always!!! I really wish I had done a lot of things I had refused to do, because that was not expected of me and now as a mother, there is this part of me, who wants to be a kid all over again...to taste the variety and spice of life I had stayed away from. Its not that I didn't have fun, but it was fun that was in the schedule of life...Maybe later on in life I might just go out and bang! do something no one expected me to do...I used to be scared to even dream and now I realise the stupidity of it...I was predictable, understandably so...there was a set frame people put me in and were I to even slightly shift from it, people would have this surprised look on their faces which clearly said it all...so much so that I gave people the excuse to underestimate me...I wouldn't blame anyone but myself...I have now learned to discover myself and as each day dawns, I am loving myself more and gaining oodles of confidence and strength!!! Being a mom does that to u...and being supported by a great family is the icing on the cake. Now when people tell me," No I don't think u will be able to do it or achieve it" I just smile and whisper to myself..."Watch me do it my friend , I am soo gonna love disappointing u." I believe myself to be a phoenix, time and again and I guess that's the beauty of life....jeeyo zindagi khulke!!!!  Its raining outside and its just the perfect moment to be unwinding and ruffling your thoughts...goodnight folks, ma lil' angel is fast asleep and now I am ready to travel to depths of the earth with a 2 year old, packing and all!!! Thank u dear Sakshi, for unfolding my musings to u have truly lightened my heart!!!

Finally!!!

Dear Sakshi,
    The last time I took to writing my blog was a year back...I just can't believe I was away for so long...Its almost mid 2012 and I was just sitting back and thinking where the hell was I all this while...;-) of course me the busy momma has been busy as ever...my lil' angel has become a toddler and I am going through the "terrible two" phase...For those of u who don't understand the phrase, I would say ." Don't worry your time will come too..." and I would of course add..."buhaaaaahaa" to it, that's my evil laugh for those idiots who actually still feign innocence...seriously!!! Well of course I love my lil' rascal to tidbits and he just makes my life spin around like this amazing Alice in wonderland sort of adventure...There are times when I genuinely enjoy being a child with him, at other times i truly pull out my hair in complete frustration...It goes both ways actually...Its amazing how kids think these days and how they observe and study us, before planning their mode of attack!!! Lol! but its fun also...Gosh! how I missed u ma dear dear blog!!! Every day is unpredictable and life suddenly turns out to be all about,loud wake up calls, toddler tantrums,busy afternoons,frustrating and back breaking hours during their bubuuu fevers and peekaboo and bikey bike and twinky stars, and whew!!! I get tired typing them all...:-0 But oh the complete utter irreplaceable joy of it all...is of course priceless. I am actually learning how to balance all of it and I have reached a phase where I am seriously thinking about career rejuvenation, which has been suffering a major setback all this while. Its like one fine morning I just woke up and said,"Whoa!!! this is it! I am ready to be a working mom!!!!" Now that's something,admitting all that, but then I have my doubts as well...I have decided to slightly shift my career focus and though its difficult treading new grounds, I am actually enjoying the welcome change those challenges bring me. You see, its indeed an important moment for the mom when she decides to get back to her career, since being a working mom means more nerve racking, hair pulling days ahead!!! Yes sir! its almost like ur back in the army...:-) But hey that's part of the game as well...I just hope I am blessed by the Fair Lady Luck!!! Putting my lil' guy in the playschool was also another such phenomenal decision and something me and ma hubby actually took some days to ponder over...It definitely was the next step in my son's life and he actually enjoyed the transition, but yes I went right to hell and back. Sheesh! it was sooo emotional for me, not that I sat down and cried!!! But I was continuously bogged down by the thoughts of whether the school was right, whether the timing was ok, about how ma son was gonna react to it...??? But hey it was not that bad...which reminds me to comment that the concept of toddler playschool has become the mantra of the season and each school is competing for the top slot, by putting forth everything and anything they can offer,from sophisticated classrooms and ambiance to international curriculum and high standards of health and safety...frankly I am impressed!!! But its a business too...But personally as long as they are taking care when it comes to the kids mental, physical and emotional growth and stability, they can treat it as much as a business as they want...Of course the face of education is changing...when it comes to the presentation of education, we have some very encouraging and promising areas, and at the same time we have some very dismal and sub standard areas as well. Lets hope the coming generation gets the best out of it all, and grow up to be responsible, sensitive human beings. As for my toddler going to playschool and me returning to my career, everything seems to be going in the right direction. So far so good people!!!  :-) the conflicts of the mind continues though...well then in that case..."shut up dear thoughts and let me be me and  live life like a bird, soaring high without any worries to ruffle ma feathers!!!"

Down the memory lane...

Dear Sakshi,
    Many a time when u just wish to be alone u end up being in the midst of a loud crowd,and at times when u yearn for some company, u end up alone without a soul around to be ur friend.. Life these days are more like a winding steep journey with lots of twists and turns along the way, so much that u end up feeling dizzy..:-) I seriously mean to be regular in writing my blog, but it hardly works out...Being a mom is a 24/7 round the clock job, and then on top of that u have to come across as the perfect in control woman of the modern day, keeping everything in perfect balance...what the hell!!!! Well hats off to those women who actually manage to do that..and I would ask them,"Have u never ever felt like giving up,letting go,or just scream out in impatience?" No? Aww well how do guys do it then? Sigh!!! I am going through a transitional period, where u know u have to do certain things but end up feeling bad about them in the long run..Feeling a bit introspective and stupid at the same time...and this my friends, is a trait that is mine alone...lol!!! Ooook enough of the bogey talk,it actually gets scary when u do get introspective...A lot of things contribute towards shaping u as the individual u are and ur school and college life stands out as the two most important influential phases in ur life..Ofcourse with the advent of Orkut, Facebook and Twitter , its not too difficult to still keep in touch with ur best mates' . For me, school life was the best!!! it was beautiful! u were happy and sad, angry and frustrated, scared and brave,adventurous and foolish and much much more...U learn to be independent and creative and at the same time u get to have so much fun, u commit mistakes,get punished but it all comes with a certain sort of glum happiness,its a feeling of fullness of content that, here is where u belong....and teachers and frndsss wow!!! they were the best part! U make some,break some ,love some, hate some and in the end when u realize ur going away leaving an era of happiness behind, u end up forgetting all those hassles and trifle arguments and feel for each of those teacher and pal of urs, irrespective of like or dislike,of love or hate...u understand that u were all a huge family and that ultimately nothing does matter except that all of us spend some quality years together and each of us have learned something good from each other and that takes us over to college...So here's me thanking all those wonderful people who moulded me,who loved me,cared for me and who absolutely didn't like me lol! Our culture holds a lot of meaning and respect for our gurus/teachers and for me in school, in our Holy Angels' Convent, we had some of the best teachers in the world, who were our building blocks in our formative years...Thank u dear teachers for making me the person I am today...Hope our children too will also have such amazing faculty to guide them through, in their life...
                College!!! How do I put it...after school, it was like a whole new world out there...was a bit scared, but once I stepped into it , whoa!!! I was swept through 5 years of fun,new experiences,culture shocks, bold decisions, independence and again some amazing teachers and friends and seniors...I remember each of them now....Each person had a role in my life to improve me...and that made me a person bolder and stronger...I may be bad in math and gk, and really dumb as to certain practicalities in life , but I am what I am...a stronger person, rich with the experiences i gained,and each time I feel disheartened I close my eyes and think as to how I would have solved my issues were I in school or college, and out jumps the long forgotten words of a friend or a teacher and I immediately feel better...and hence I too inspired by my teachers, want to take up that noble profession and be atleast half as good as my teachers, so that years later someone else would think of me and smile!!!! Luv u all!!!

Vande Matharam!!! A journey to remember!

Dear Sakshi,
   It's amazing how life's cycle takes u with it, spins u around and puts u back right where u started from...Is it always this hard I wonder...:-) I still remember vividly my earliest memories of my childhood...gosh! I never realized how valuable being a child was, until maybe now. But then a midst all the run of the mill stuff in ur life, u realize that life is not just about,good clothes,food,grades.job,family,luxuries....its also about the life around u..and that kinda choked my thought process. Suddenly u learn to be more appreciative about the blessings u have in life and begin to approach life with a fresh new perspective, completely energized ready for any challenge. :-) It is not a simple feat to exist in this world...u begin ur journey as a foetus and then its a whole new process of adaptation to the undulating river of life...Its not that I'm in a philosophical mood, its just that when  u sit down and take a deep breath to relax urself, u come across such thoughts and that happens mostly when u take on new responsibilities in life...:-) Another Aug 15th has passed...For us Indians, the essence of independence means a lot in varied aspects and each one of us are influenced by the flavour of patriotism in a different way..For me. it was a train journey that instilled in me a strong sense of respect to those brave men who guard us with their life at stake...our soldiers...I was barely 5 years old..but that memory of my life is still so fresh in my heart...My mom was down with jaundice and I was travelling to my grandparent's home with my aunt, it was a 5 or 6 hour journey by train...I have always loved train journeys...so much of variety and u get to meet people of different shades, the beauty of God's own country and a loot more...I am not telling that the regular trains in India are perfect, but we still accept them...I was attracted to those four "uncles" initially itself coz' they stood apart from the others in our compartment,mainly coz they were in army fatigues, of course I wasn't aware of that then,,,Me being the chatterbox that I was, within some minutes into the trip I ended up talking and was happily playing with them...There were others too in the compartment and unlike the social scenario now, people didn't have to be scared of each other and everyone had atleast a smile for everyone...now its no longer safe...and that's sad too...Four selfless men who were on their way to visit their loved ones...I was just 5 years old, but I could sense their passion for their country, the way they animatedly told me about their camp and battles fought, friends lost, tears shed, pride felt, and the feeling of patriotism for their country...I am sure I didn't understand a lot, but this much I did feel...It was like as if a river of positive energy was flowing from them...In that 6 hr journey, they made me realize the life of a jawan. an Indian soldier...I remember they talked so much about their kids whom they hadn't seen since birth, and how they collected small gifts and toys for them, some of them would have outgrown them as well... I remember my aunt pointing out to one of them that the bangles he had bought for his daughter who would be almost 7 years old would actually be small for her now...I don't know why but I loved them then and there all four of them...their faces are a blur to me now...but the sense of respect I felt for them was immense, a 5 year old's awe and wonder probably...Not once did they say they regretted all such emotional losses, because for them being able to serve their country was and would be more important to them than anything else...but u could see afather, a brother, a son and a busband in the four of them...I remember them showing me their kids' fotos and tears welling up in the eyes of such staunch brave men, who for once wouldn't have flinched in the face of an enemy's barrel...Have any of us actually thought about how much they sacrifice so that we can sleep peacefully in our homes...God are we selfish or what!!!  By the time the train rolled into the final station, we were bonded for life I knew...all four of them gave me the gifts they had kept aside for their sons and daughters...I couldn't take them, how could I? It was the wealth of a soldier's ahrd earned money for their loved ones...but they insisted and told me that they could always buy new ones for their kids and right now I was no less than their daughter and so they were giving it to me....I cried then and hugged them...they are not related to me, in my heart they would always be the four soldier uncles as I remember them...When I said goodbye, In my heart I saluted each and every Indian soldier who were risking their lives for our lives...Yes! I was just a kid then, but through them I realized the value of what I was enjoying, what they couldn't enjoy and I was proud to be an Indian,I am and always will be proud to be an Indian...All of us have that golden heart in us, but in the fast paced life of today we forget to grasp the goodness within us...God bless them all!!!

Mommy blues!!!

Dear Sakshi,
         It's been ages since I actually thought about starting to write again...its as if something in me had shut down... mostly the creative side of me... at least temporarily...i'm trying to sit down and shovel it out literally, so forgive me if my blog seem to flicker like a candle flame caught in a strong wind...but am not yet ready to wither off...nope!!! Being a mom isn't easy, especially for a person like me who keep questioning every single action of hers...was it this hard for my mom, or is it just that maybe I'm trying too hard...well...i'm not sure...my lil' angel is in his 16th month and yesss! I have successfully transcended the paths of initial burnouts and nervous breakdowns and sleepless nights...His first ever cold,cough,flu,insect bite,fall,teething,pooping,constipation,skin rash,stomach flu and what not! have been conquered, understood and accepted...but each time I went through hell being the panic ridden, nervous mother that I am...;-) and I have realized the hard way that the world does not come to a standstill during such episodes of life, and that i'm not the only other alive in this universe.Actually its not so bad, and no matter whether ur alone or u have help at home, u have got to accept the nuances of life and be sensible and level headed about it...and just march forward pretending to be the strongest soldier in ur clan.Its not gonna come eaasily to u, but in the long run,like all the moms out there,u learn to strike a balance and maybe later on years later,u wud actually be able to think about such panic attacks and laugh out loud and say;"to think I was so silly"!!! I am hoping I wud be able to do just that, but for now I am just a nervous mom!!!

The First Encounter!!!

Dear Sakshi,
     HAve u ever been wheeled through a hospital corridor facing the ceiling lights...??? trust me its nightmarish! Well that's exactly how I felt when  I stood before the camera for the very first time...It was a time when VJing wasn't that much in vogue and I for one had no intentions whatsoever to do something like VJing!!! It was through my uncle and aunt that I first got the opportunity and seriously I had my misapprehensions...I was pushed and prodded and ya finally we got to the studio...Seeing the huge glum building loom up, my spirits hit the junkyard! sheesh!!! What the hell am I doing here..? Sigh! Well then I was here so no running away from it! I was with my mom and aunt...and we were asked to wait for a while in the lounge, which looked anything but comforting!! Soon I was asked to move to the make up room so that I could get ready! A brilliant display of lights flashed at me, as I entered the room...why did they need soo much lights...? I was completely lost...Hmm but the stylist was a ray of hope! He was jovial and made me feel comfy, probably coz' he has seen a lot of jittery idiots like me before...:-) and he then went on to say just what I had thought, but more kindly! Soon it was over and I dared to take a peek into the mirror and I was like, oh! not wow! but oh! is that really me??? Hmm the wonders of make up...well even that wudn't lift my spirits....I was then taken to the actual floor they call it, for the recording and I felt like I walked into a dungeon lit with dim lights and huge appliances here and there and everywhere! Given a choice I wud have taken my  magic wand and whoosh! disappeared...as to what awaited me in the dungeon studio floor...later folks! unnikuttan  has woken up and is trying to make a grab for the lappyy help! Bye guys!!! take care!
 
Dear Sakshi,
   I thought I'd rather continue from here than create a new post...so where were we..? aah! yes I finished my makeup and was taken to their recording studio, which was eerily dark with just lights here and there...Not many people there to give me a welcome speech...I was given a sheaf of papers, I think 10 sheets...and was simply asked to learn them by heart!!! I literally flinched...u see back then I wasn't that good in mugging up stuff...Hmm...The show was a special episode on the latest movies slated aschristmas releases!!! So it was a very special episode...and I was asked to put in a lot of smile and attitude and that was about it!!! :-/ Whew! I don't  remember having ever felt such an intense suffocation before, u know how its like when u sit in front of the exam paper and realise that u have totally and completly gone blank!!! Well the crew were pretty patient with me for that matter, coz' they knew I was a newcomer and all that...I managed to learn the first sheet which had 3 paragraphs in it....and I said I was ready, as if I were gonna wage a war or something...:-$ Well they switched on literally every blaring light and I felt as if I was illuminated like a christmas tree and the rest of the room was plunged in darkness!!! Yikes! Well I started off sputtering and gawking! Gosh it was an embarassing mess! I then realised I still had to put on the mike!!! what was I jumping at the cam for? aargh! Well how could I have known that! I could hear an unintentional giggle from some part of the darkness, to top up my embarassment...They told me to take it easy...well easier said than done...but then the chief cameraman told me that if they were to put him in front of the cam, he wouldn't be able to say a word...so it was ok...I actually smiled and felt a loot better. From thereon it was a fairly bumpy ride, I wouldn't say smooth coz I knew there were shortcomings, I wouldn't know where to focus, my attention would waver, in between I would forget the lines...But above all that, I had a great crew, who knew when to tease me, when to be firm with me and when to relax me and save me from any intense embarassment...In short I realised that the director and the camera crew, even the lightboys had a major role in moulding my first ever experience in front of the camera, and I thank all of them now, for having had the patience to tolerate me and to have the kindness to boost my confidence as well...:-) So folks that was my first encounter! and do peep in this column for more interesting encounters...Have fun guys!!!

Hypocrites!!!

Dear Sakshi,
     Its not easy to live in a world wherein u have to face hypocrites, mostly in our routine lives! not that I myself am a self proclaimed non hypocrite!!! :-) There's a very fine line between hypocrisy and survival hypocrisy...Its kinda confusing...there are times when u really wanna be true and open hearted, but then u realise that its better to be labeled a hypocrite than trying to come across as a perfect individual...We all have had to burden ourselves with social hypocrisy at one point or the other, and yes! it hasn't been a gratifying experience...at the end of it all u feel disappointed with urself! Why should life be sooo complicated...coming to my life its just like everyone else's...:-) very simply put i.e.My policy in life is that at the end of the day u should feel content and at peace with urself....instead of feeling disgusted and frustrated with ourselves. If that's possible then kudos! u are on the road to safe havens!!! meaning maybe ur conscience is not gonna torture u when ur 60 plus in ur life!  I remember one of my older relatives once commenting, that its not our youth that matters, its definitely the old age, coz that's when lifes additions and subtractions truly come to light and the ultimate result shoudn't disappoint u. When I started working in media, I was just a school going teen. Since then I haev evolved as a woman, as an individual and in that process I  have come across quite a few of the above mentioned species (hypooos), and also I have come across people of both negative and positive shades. I have been surprised, frustrated, shocked, angry, sad, disappointed and also happy! So for the coming days I might indulge u guys with some of my behind the camera experiences. In there u will find a true mixture of people and I guess media had been the perfect school for me in life,(though its just been 9 years now, and i know its too early to be introspective) coz I have come across different realms of life, subtle and loud, and together they have painted the canvas of my life a brighter shade.Thereby this one is for all those people who have influenced my life in a positive way and to all those people in the realm of media who taught me as to what not to be....coz sometimes the negatives can bring out more of the positives in u than the actual positives itself...sorry if I sounded boring...but this is what I am, my thoughts and musings...I am no literary expert or a social critic, just a 26 year old woman who likes to think aloud! So with all humility,wait for the next one guyz! :-)...coz therein I will begin at the beginning, like how David Copperfield did...lol! though not that introspective or fine....I luvd David Copperfield!!! It was one classic that first introduced me to hypocrisy,deceit and what not! and how the social world is woven around it, like a spider's web!

Just Scribbling!!!

Dear Sakshi,
      When ur emotionally drained what do u usually do...well...they say to channel ur energy towards positive realms and charge ur low batteries...lol! but it works ok? I know of people who go into a scribbling frenzy just when they feel challenged or when they are in the deepest of melancholy moods...:-) not that i feel the same way...i knw when i wanna write, my fingers literally fly over the keyboard and it doesn't stop unless the flow of thoughts stop....I don't knw if that's the way ur supposed to feel. Another thing I noticed were my spelling mistakes...sorry guys, usually I don't get the time to recheck what I have written. Mostly its a wild chase to pen down my thoughts as fast as possible before the little one wakes up...These days I have to do everything quickly, be it cooking, cleaning or even (sigh!) going to the loo...lol! Seriously!!! coz every nano second matters....right now i keep making trips to his bedroom to see if he is waking up or not...:-))) so blogging is usually last on my list, and if at all I do blog, then I have  to do it fast and no reviews are allowed. The only major plus point being that my typing speed has increased!!!
      I am on a dieting spree which tastefully allows space for my lil' treats as well....But I am gradually on the road to better dress sizes! Immediately after ur delivery, there is this irresistable urge to look good,which usually doesn't happen since u are probably looking like a deflated baloon! Sigh! But a word of advice to my friends who are on the road to motherhood...Don't worry,it will pass...but always concentrate on ur face!!! Don't look sloppy and try as much to look fresh and neat and with a smile on ur face....I knw I knw, even with ur under eye dark circles and mood swings and all u can still feel good, if ur presentable and look good to urself in the mirror, hmmm and maybe a new haido will also give u the instant feel good hormones!!!...There are gonna be a zillion comments thrown at u, oh boy!!! its just amazing how totally insensitive and stupid people can be during thost post preggy times...whew!!! Ur gonna feel the same way, trust me! Initially it was really irritating for me, but then I realised, what the hell, if I feel beautiful then well and good...soon the yapping tongues faltered...:-) So this time Sakshi I dedicate this to  positive thinking, which I terribly lack! So in order to boost positive thinking, I write about positive thinking! ;-) By the way, quite a bit of my friends are nearing their due date....All the best gurlz!!! and I'll be praying for all of u...and remember no matter how much the pain focus on the moment u'll be seeing ur lil' one!!!! So adios until next time, keep smiling folks!!! Time for me to have my London Diary Lite Vanilla Icecream ;-) sigh! God bless the one who created icecreams!!! :-)

The first moment of pure bliss!

Dear Sakshi,
       Unnikuttan is taking his beauty sleep now...so time for me to enter into my small world of thoughts....I have never shared with u guys the very first moments of my motherhood....something i wanted to delve into only when i had the time for it...i mean those were life's most amazing moments despite the pain and all!!! YESSS! The pain was mightmarish, but i still remember the words of my gyn, the anaesthesiologist and the nurses....I was blessed with a gr8 gyn team!!! I remember kicking one of the doctors, lol!!! It was complete mayhem...I went from normal to c-section in a matter of hours!!! I was aware of everything as a blur, but the moment the doc pulled my baby out and said its a boy!!! is the clearest most sharpest moment of my life!!! I obviously cudn't see beyond a green sheet....(not tht i wanted to!) :-) All I was straining for was to hear his cries...coz u know u hear all sorts of labour jists...and everyone talks about the first cry....I remember reading about labour from the point of view of the babyyy...have we ever thought about tht??? Its always our pain, and discomforts....but the baby once it comes out has this major struggle for his first breath...its almost like drowning and being saved at the last min...yes i remember now...it was in reader's digest!!! Since then i was always curious about the baby's first ever cry....the first time he fights with life ever...I cudn't hear it at first,a sharp panic touched my heart, soon after which i heard the doc giving one tight slap! ouch! Hmmm the first slap he gets!!! and yes ths angry young screaming lil' guy was lifted out and shown to me...I saw him! my angel!!! only he wasn't too happy...I could almost hear him say,"What the hell mama!!! I was taking a nap n a comfy corner and just then u had to pull me out! Mothers!!! and Gyns!!! Hmph!" Lol! :-D And then just when i was trying to figure out his tiny tiny eyes and nose...Blackout! Sheesh!!! U know u hardly get seconds to see ur lil one as a whole in a c section...i mean with a bit of consicousness that is....u need to wait quite some time  before u can see him again....Whew!!! I then wondered about my gyn...she has delivered hundreds and hundreds of babies...and each time its a heartening experience...they have the same twinkle in their eye, the satisfaction, and yes though they are tired and do the same drill a zillion times...they don't forget to smile at u....and say,"Conrats its a boy" :-) or girl....:-))
          But then the pain came...oh wow!!! it was one hell of a pain...all my c section friends wud understand what i mean....I was wheeled out hours later...and i remember looking skeptically at my nurse when she said I should be up and walking the next day!!! I was like yup ur kidding!!! :-D What would we have done without such good docs and nurses!!!! So this one I dedicate to the entire team at the Credence Hospital and my gyn Dr Santhamma Mathew...We always talk about our experiences, but I was wondering about how helpless these lil angels are...for them each and every day would have been trying and frustrating for them...Its never possible to fully understand an infant until they start talking, but as a mother u can always sense to a certain accurate extent what they would want....It was sooo tough initially....but then today when he managed to pull himself up on to the sofs by himself.....and gave me a joyful giggle....i knw it means a lot for him!!!! :-)

Hellooo 2011!

Dear Sakshi,

   Gosh I can't believe tht my last post was on july!!! Sorry guyss was terribly busy! Am back in Doha nw and can u imagine??? my lil' angel is gonna turn a year old this March 5th!!! And last year I was writing about his kicks and stunts in my tummy...lol! Well he is doing all that and more now! He crawls pretty fast now, and is trying to walk!!!! His each milestone was met with surprise and pure joy! No matter how irritated or depressed I become,one lil' mischeivious grin of his, can wipe away all my woes if any! I am able to concentrate more on my music and dance nw...yess its very difficult to manage everything, its like walking on the pole in a circus! Whew! But there is a joy within, a feeling of goodness, of being part of a family and of having someone to call ur own to fight with, to cry and laugh with, to yell and scream in frustration and then to feel completely stupid about it....yesss my poor hubby had to bear with all of it! But when I think about it I realise that that's what makes life complete....vinuz had had to bear the brunt of my moods... :-) but he had  always been there as a strong support! Its heartening to see father and son play and fight with each other....they share a special bond and I just like to sit back and watch the scene unfold.... My lil'guy is growing and i can't still grasp the reality of it all!!! Luv the two most amazing men in my life!!!!

Finally my lil' angel and our cosy family :-)

Dear Sakshi,
   My baby poo is napping which gives me some time to pen down my thoughts....gosh missed writing in my blog sooo much...My lil' angel is 4 months now....and ya there are frustrating hair pulling days, but there are absolutely lovely ones as well....He smiles, laughs and says gaga and gu gu now...lol! just rolled over once or twice...he s more interested in sitting up and grabbing everything in sight...It gives me such joy to tap down my thoughts like this...Life is tough yet beautiful...:-) We have our good days and bad days...I am always filled with doubts and a hundred anxieties surfaces when he cries incessantly...how do I know what's wrong??? But I am finally coping with it....Vinuz also helps a loooot!!!! Dunno what I would have done without my wonderful better half...Ya! we have our rows...but at the end of it all we love to cuddle together with our baby unnikuttan and now we feel complete as a couple...Usually u say a couple means two na? but for us we the couple is complete only with our angel....

         We started taking him out in the stroller and he luvs it too.....ya well the first trip ended in a crying tsunami!!! whew!!! I was completely lost and I ended up crying as well...I know! sheesh! that's childish of me, but I feel ur baby brings out the child in u, as u begin to move with him....u too get excited over his toys and giggles....The first time he laughed out loud!! that was yesterday...I wanted to keep hearing it, I felt maybe I should record it....like a thousand rainbows, or maybe like a thousand angels springing forth celebrating his happiness....It was a very emotional moment for both of us...:-) I luv my lil' angel and i guess luv at first sight for a mom is when u see ur hubby and baby together and u know u have been blessed!!! Gosh! enough for today....will write more soon...:-) this one is for my mom and dad as well, whose pains in bringing me up, I now realise and I hope I can do a gud job as well....Thank u God for every tiny drop of happiness and sorrow as well....coz otherwise u wouldn't realise the value of ur life and its people around u...take care all of uuu :-)

When ur life revolves around ur babyyy ;-)

Ten fingers,



Ten toes


He's laughter and teardrops


So small and brand new


And amazingly angelic


He is sent to bless you


He's one special Baby


The best of life's treasure


And will grant and bless you


Many hours of great pleasure.


-- Author Unknown

Dear Sakshi,
    I just loved this quote sooo much tht I cudn't help posting it...:-) Truly each day is an adventure for me and my angel....The latest achievement being that I finally have started bathing my lil' one, its as if ur not a complete mother unless u know how to bathe feed and clean ur baby....the initial vulnerability has passed anywasy....and the fact that i get time at all to write my blog is purely a miracle....I can see him slowly coming awake from his cat nap, lol! My life is like totally dependent on his schedule now...completely without an ounce of exaggeration....whew! I hardly realise the time flying by...everything is a huge blur except my unnikuttan....thts wht I call him at home....he has already got numerous nicknames....but for me he will always be my adorable sweethr8 nnikuttan....ook! I guess I'll be able to write more, he has settled down again off to the land of nod!.....So much has passed by and to think that a few months back this lil' fellow was in my tummy!!! :-) There are times when u feel completely wiped out but then one angelic smile can take away all that tiring moments out of ur life....He is waking up guyz so i'll pen more later....luv ya all!!!!

Raghav...our lil' angel... :-) I'm a mommy!!!!

Dear dear Sakshi,
       Gosh!!!! Its been sooo long, but as u know, its been a tremendous transition for me guys....:-) Finally motherhood has embraced me and u knw what it feels great!!! despite the sleepless nights, and all the crying and screaming.....but now the smiles and laughs and gurgling has started....It feels like heaven, no matter how bugged u are, hw depressed, tired or totally wiped out u are, one look at ur angel's face and ur entire world lights up!!! I hardly knew the days passing by, its now I finally got a breather....whew!!! my lil one is busy exploring his new world, which would give me little time in between, and in those interludes, I will share the most beautiful moments of my life with all my dear dear friends....I keep telling about how I feel as a mom, but what about the feeling of being a dad!!! thts even more special u know...Vinu was just ecstatic!!! and it has made our bond of love stronger and deeper...:-) This lil' angel arrived on march 5th 2010, bringing a special sort of love into our lives....I can't explain nor can I ever ever convey my feelings to the letter....I just know that this is one happiness that God bestows on u, but its a huge responsibility as well...I wonder if I'll be a perfect mom, but i'll try to be a mom that he loves....So later guyz, my angel just halloooowed for me....take care all of u....:-)

12 Dayz more....

Dear Sakshi,
     Imagine!!! just 12 dayz more and for all u know I am still tapping my fingers on my desk talking to my lil' one and waiting! :-) Sigh! Patience is a virtue isn't it? Well I am fast running out of stock of what little patience I already had...These days comfiness is a faraway dream, but anticipation is sky high....and u know something, these days I have started to form a wicked habit of suddenly ringing up my relatives and friends....whts wicked about it? :-)) ;-)  Well...most of the time they think I would have gone into labour and by giving them sudden calls I scare the living daylights out of them lol! Ok ok I knw thts not a nice thing to do, but ahem!!! I felt like a kiddo all over again, gosh! I was such a prankster as a baby and as a kid! ahem,my hubby still thinks I act like a 4 year old kid, at times ook? :-) Hmm...well what's the harm in feeling like a child all over again, have u ever felt that, haven't u for once wanted to throw away all the rigidity of adulthood and enjoy life as a kid would? Well its not always possible, coz' yes u have certain responsibilities, but hey! dnt ever lose that fun loving child in u...ever....its too precious and by the time u realise that, then its too late as well....Life is too complicated these days, everyone is soo busy and running around trying to make ends meet, make money of course! thts of prime importance nw isn't it? Well it should be, what with all the topsy turviness of the current economy. Yikes!!! I am talking like a lifestyle analyst, help!!!!

This is what happens when u have too much time to urself...:-) So my lil' one is gettin ready to face the big bad world outside and hmm...well I wnt be too negative regarding how bad the world is...:-) I am sooo excited , nervous, tired, frustrated and what not!!! Its like I myself am an emotional kaleidoscope, whew!!! Well folks if I dnt go into labour in the next few days I might come back with more of my thoughts, otherwise adios! and yes I will keep all of u updated on how my D day was...Until then take care guyz, luv u all my dear friends and ya pray for me!!! :-)

Dear Sakshi,
                Life is like an everflowing, undulating river, taking us along with it to destinies etched out for us. At times it seems favourable to us, at other times it seems suffocating yet when we put it all together, it seems it does have a meaningful picture ultimately.
:-) Ook enough philosophy already!!! You tend to become atleast slightly introspective, at times like this. I am sooo full of anticipation these days and I have become more spiritual as well. Do we all tend to feel consoled having faith in the Supreme being, at a time which is most important to us? Well I have immense relief from just the thought that God will take care of me and my lil' one. Faith is a strong medicine in itself, I believe :-) Not many may agree with me, but I speak with the benefit of the experiences I have gone through, which have moulded my faith strongly.
              I do listen to a lot of music. if only to soothe my nerves...:-) mostly ghazals and soft melodies...:-) Sometimes I am soo disturbed with a zillion confusions in my mind, at other times I feel sort of a complete harmony with myself... Its just a matter of days now, and really I can't wait to see my lil' one now...The feeling, I don't know what it is, but it is indeed a special feeling, but I am scared as well, well a teeny weeny bit!!! Now think about it!! How many of us take our dear mom and dad for granted, and when we are about to go through the same journey,u realise the huge responsibility looming in front of us and then we think, " How will we ever repay what our parents have gone through for us." And then we realise our love for our parents in a more special way. So today I thank God for giving me such great parents, who are the very reason I am here now and I just hope I will be half as good them to my kids...:-)

A perfect way to wrap up my 8th month!!!!

Dear Sakshi,
    Aha! seeing the title,don't u get any ideas!!! A perfect way indeed to wrap up my 8th month...sigh! well I was being sarcastic....;-/ I am down with an irritating bout of sinus headache, something which was alien to me until quite recently.Whew!!! God Help!!!

Do I sound desperate?? Well...hmm..I didn't mean to sound like that, but hey my blog is all about my exact feelings per se, so here it is, all out in the open...:-) Those of u poor dears who have actually had to suffer from this dilemma would know what I mean, ahem...:-) But there is one thing for sure, I have suddenly realised the true worth of age old natural remedies. I have been through cold, cough and now sinus headaches, but not once did I have to depend on modern medicine. :-) Thanx to all those remdial natural medicines, which have given me immense relief, the recipes of which I will unfurl according to popular demand ;-) (to put in a pinch of drama or so to say) So folks rite now I have just stopped worrying about, my labour pain, baby naming issues, after labour sleep problems and what not...I am just gonna sit back and enjoy the rest of the ride and take each day as it comes, and when it does come to the labour pain....oh dear! I'll come to that later!!!!

What's in a name...? Apparently a lot!

Dear Sakshi,
    Hope all of u out there are doing fine...:-) My latest update seems to be a totally unwanted dilemma....names, names and more names!!!! Yup I am totally confused about the name we might pick for our lil' angel...Hmmm I knw I have set up a poll right here...but I am getting mixed votes and that confuses me even more. There's hardly a month left and me and vinuz still haven't zeroed in on a name yet...:-) Well like Karen my dear friend told me, I'm not gonna stress myself out...whew!!! I have enough to think about already...Hmm but even then I wonder...Oh well! back to things I am familiar with right now, like lack of sleep, my angel's solid kick boxing and a lot more...The other day my gyn was like surprised my lil' one should be stretching out soo much in my tummy, guess he's running out of space fast...lol! The moment my head hits the pillow he starts punching me like a bean bag!!! Well initially it was really enjoyable, but nowadays it has become more prominent and more insistent...I have a feeling he is going to be just like his dad and mom...lol! Both of us equally, did drive our parents nuts...:-) Ahem! well let's wait and watch for now...Hmm just one month more guyz, pray foe me!!! and hope I come up with the perfect name within the next couple of days....

Goin nuts, preggy mood swings and more.....

Dear Sakshi,

     The best part about being preggy is that ur pampered a looot!!! ;-) Really! That is the fun part, and ya u kinda feel really bad when u are not able to go out and do things u would have usually done otherwise. But one thing I really found nice was the number of people who actually took the effort to come and visit me. In our culture a woman carrying a child is given a lot of respect and love, and is totally pampered by her better half and her family and friends...Lol! But once the lil' one arrives then he is the star of the entire family!!!! The fact that after about 5 to 6 weeks I'll be finally able to see my angel is actually what keeps me going, despite all the variety of discomforts. U know the biggest problem is that half the time u are not sure about the varied pains and aches that attack u and sometimes it sends u into a chasm of panice and fear....but then u finally realise the fact that the said pain was just due to gastric issues...whew!!! u almost sigh with relief...Hmm I wonder if I'll be able to tolerate the pain...that's what I am thinking about these days really...Gosh!!! it is scary, but most of my recent mommy frndz vouch that yes! its gonna hurt a hell lot but it is manageable....Suddenly they all have become matured and experienced and I kinda feel like a kid myself...So many emotions flicker through my mind these days, and I am having a whole lot of dreamz as well...of water, me swimming, crossing roads frantically ( God knows for what!!!) lol! and a whole lot of crazy stuff...:-) Plus these days I do get a tad snappy with my folks...maybe its the wicked hormones!!! The best part is that no matter how grouchy, irritable or totally annoying u get, u can always blame it on the hormones and preggy mood swings...I knw its wicked...but it is during those times I feel as if I am a kid of 4 seriously!!! Maybe it is due to the preggy mood swings...at times I feel really happy and at other times I kinda feel glum...Hmmm anyways I have started counting the days, hours and minutes and hope all of ur prayers are with me. And yes!!! I promise!!! No More Preggy Mood Swings....:-)

To all the insomniacs in this world!!!

Dear Sakshi,

Yawn!!!! zzzz!!! and a couple of yawns later, I am still sleepy!!! whew! my heart goes out to all those who suffer from insomnia, seriously...or maybe insomniacs are probably more tolerant of their sleep issues...:-) But yes! my dear friends, I am positive and do remember to smile...:-) gosh! I am yawning as I write this, serves me right! for under estimating the value of good sleep. Like I said before, probably this is how u are trained for motherhood and for the endless sleepless nights ahead. Now I was just wondering....hmm....can it get any worse? And to that question all my experienced mommy friends,shake their heads and say," U would be a fool to think it wouldn't get any worse." Sigh!

But hey c'mon there is another side to all of this though. The moment u see ur angel smile at u, all ur tiredness, anger and frustration just melts away!!! :-) and this statement is also from the same new mommies!!! That is exactly what makes motherhood beautiful, and I don't think any mom out there would regret the time they have spend with their lil' ones. Years later when u look back at ur life, it is these moments that form the varied pages of ur life's autograph book.

Well back to the world of insomnia, the past week has been soooo tiring, yawn! sorry couldn't help that one! :-) A couple of weeks more and then comes the day I see my baby..Am I excited? YESSS!!! but equally scared as well!!! Well wouldn't u be? Hmmm emotions just seem to ebb freely now, maybe that's part of ur mental make up during ur preggy phase. Now, its not that I don't feel sleepy, its just that I can't seem to utilise that beauty sleep of mine. In that aspect I am different from the insomniacs.And I never for once thought that lack of sleep could intimidate ur life like this. Help!!! Oh well I knw I knw, its not easy, its never gonna be, and I am gonna face all of this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, even if that smile is broken by a tired yawn!!! So this one is dedicated to all the insomniacs in the world...hope all of u get to sleep soon...:-)