Saturday, October 22, 2011

Down the memory lane...

Dear Sakshi,
    Many a time when u just wish to be alone u end up being in the midst of a loud crowd,and at times when u yearn for some company, u end up alone without a soul around to be ur friend.. Life these days are more like a winding steep journey with lots of twists and turns along the way, so much that u end up feeling dizzy..:-) I seriously mean to be regular in writing my blog, but it hardly works out...Being a mom is a 24/7 round the clock job, and then on top of that u have to come across as the perfect in control woman of the modern day, keeping everything in perfect balance...what the hell!!!! Well hats off to those women who actually manage to do that..and I would ask them,"Have u never ever felt like giving up,letting go,or just scream out in impatience?" No? Aww well how do guys do it then? Sigh!!! I am going through a transitional period, where u know u have to do certain things but end up feeling bad about them in the long run..Feeling a bit introspective and stupid at the same time...and this my friends, is a trait that is mine!!! Ooook enough of the bogey talk,it actually gets scary when u do get introspective...A lot of things contribute towards shaping u as the individual u are and ur school and college life stands out as the two most important influential phases in ur life..Ofcourse with the advent of Orkut, Facebook and Twitter , its not too difficult to still keep in touch with ur best mates' . For me, school life was the best!!! it was beautiful! u were happy and sad, angry and frustrated, scared and brave,adventurous and foolish and much much more...U learn to be independent and creative and at the same time u get to have so much fun, u commit mistakes,get punished but it all comes with a certain sort of glum happiness,its a feeling of fullness of content that, here is where u belong....and teachers and frndsss wow!!! they were the best part! U make some,break some ,love some, hate some and in the end when u realize ur going away leaving an era of happiness behind, u end up forgetting all those hassles and trifle arguments and feel for each of those teacher and pal of urs, irrespective of like or dislike,of love or hate...u understand that u were all a huge family and that ultimately nothing does matter except that all of us spend some quality years together and each of us have learned something good from each other and that takes us over to college...So here's me thanking all those wonderful people who moulded me,who loved me,cared for me and who absolutely didn't like me lol! Our culture holds a lot of meaning and respect for our gurus/teachers and for me in school, in our Holy Angels' Convent, we had some of the best teachers in the world, who were our building blocks in our formative years...Thank u dear teachers for making me the person I am today...Hope our children too will also have such amazing faculty to guide them through, in their life...
                College!!! How do I put it...after school, it was like a whole new world out there...was a bit scared, but once I stepped into it , whoa!!! I was swept through 5 years of fun,new experiences,culture shocks, bold decisions, independence and again some amazing teachers and friends and seniors...I remember each of them now....Each person had a role in my life to improve me...and that made me a person bolder and stronger...I may be bad in math and gk, and really dumb as to certain practicalities in life , but I am what I am...a stronger person, rich with the experiences i gained,and each time I feel disheartened I close my eyes and think as to how I would have solved my issues were I in school or college, and out jumps the long forgotten words of a friend or a teacher and I immediately feel better...and hence I too inspired by my teachers, want to take up that noble profession and be atleast half as good as my teachers, so that years later someone else would think of me and smile!!!! Luv u all!!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Vande Matharam!!! A journey to remember!

Dear Sakshi,
   It's amazing how life's cycle takes u with it, spins u around and puts u back right where u started from...Is it always this hard I wonder...:-) I still remember vividly my earliest memories of my childhood...gosh! I never realized how valuable being a child was, until maybe now. But then a midst all the run of the mill stuff in ur life, u realize that life is not just about,good clothes,food,grades.job,family,luxuries....its also about the life around u..and that kinda choked my thought process. Suddenly u learn to be more appreciative about the blessings u have in life and begin to approach life with a fresh new perspective, completely energized ready for any challenge. :-) It is not a simple feat to exist in this world...u begin ur journey as a foetus and then its a whole new process of adaptation to the undulating river of life...Its not that I'm in a philosophical mood, its just that when  u sit down and take a deep breath to relax urself, u come across such thoughts and that happens mostly when u take on new responsibilities in life...:-) Another Aug 15th has passed...For us Indians, the essence of independence means a lot in varied aspects and each one of us are influenced by the flavour of patriotism in a different way..For me. it was a train journey that instilled in me a strong sense of respect to those brave men who guard us with their life at stake...our soldiers...I was barely 5 years old..but that memory of my life is still so fresh in my heart...My mom was down with jaundice and I was travelling to my grandparent's home with my aunt, it was a 5 or 6 hour journey by train...I have always loved train much of variety and u get to meet people of different shades, the beauty of God's own country and a loot more...I am not telling that the regular trains in India are perfect, but we still accept them...I was attracted to those four "uncles" initially itself coz' they stood apart from the others in our compartment,mainly coz they were in army fatigues, of course I wasn't aware of that then,,,Me being the chatterbox that I was, within some minutes into the trip I ended up talking and was happily playing with them...There were others too in the compartment and unlike the social scenario now, people didn't have to be scared of each other and everyone had atleast a smile for its no longer safe...and that's sad too...Four selfless men who were on their way to visit their loved ones...I was just 5 years old, but I could sense their passion for their country, the way they animatedly told me about their camp and battles fought, friends lost, tears shed, pride felt, and the feeling of patriotism for their country...I am sure I didn't understand a lot, but this much I did feel...It was like as if a river of positive energy was flowing from them...In that 6 hr journey, they made me realize the life of a jawan. an Indian soldier...I remember they talked so much about their kids whom they hadn't seen since birth, and how they collected small gifts and toys for them, some of them would have outgrown them as well... I remember my aunt pointing out to one of them that the bangles he had bought for his daughter who would be almost 7 years old would actually be small for her now...I don't know why but I loved them then and there all four of them...their faces are a blur to me now...but the sense of respect I felt for them was immense, a 5 year old's awe and wonder probably...Not once did they say they regretted all such emotional losses, because for them being able to serve their country was and would be more important to them than anything else...but u could see afather, a brother, a son and a busband in the four of them...I remember them showing me their kids' fotos and tears welling up in the eyes of such staunch brave men, who for once wouldn't have flinched in the face of an enemy's barrel...Have any of us actually thought about how much they sacrifice so that we can sleep peacefully in our homes...God are we selfish or what!!!  By the time the train rolled into the final station, we were bonded for life I knew...all four of them gave me the gifts they had kept aside for their sons and daughters...I couldn't take them, how could I? It was the wealth of a soldier's ahrd earned money for their loved ones...but they insisted and told me that they could always buy new ones for their kids and right now I was no less than their daughter and so they were giving it to me....I cried then and hugged them...they are not related to me, in my heart they would always be the four soldier uncles as I remember them...When I said goodbye, In my heart I saluted each and every Indian soldier who were risking their lives for our lives...Yes! I was just a kid then, but through them I realized the value of what I was enjoying, what they couldn't enjoy and I was proud to be an Indian,I am and always will be proud to be an Indian...All of us have that golden heart in us, but in the fast paced life of today we forget to grasp the goodness within us...God bless them all!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Mommy blues!!!

Dear Sakshi,
         It's been ages since I actually thought about starting to write again...its as if something in me had shut down... mostly the creative side of me... at least temporarily...i'm trying to sit down and shovel it out literally, so forgive me if my blog seem to flicker like a candle flame caught in a strong wind...but am not yet ready to wither off...nope!!! Being a mom isn't easy, especially for a person like me who keep questioning every single action of hers...was it this hard for my mom, or is it just that maybe I'm trying too hard...well...i'm not lil' angel is in his 16th month and yesss! I have successfully transcended the paths of initial burnouts and nervous breakdowns and sleepless nights...His first ever cold,cough,flu,insect bite,fall,teething,pooping,constipation,skin rash,stomach flu and what not! have been conquered, understood and accepted...but each time I went through hell being the panic ridden, nervous mother that I am...;-) and I have realized the hard way that the world does not come to a standstill during such episodes of life, and that i'm not the only other alive in this universe.Actually its not so bad, and no matter whether ur alone or u have help at home, u have got to accept the nuances of life and be sensible and level headed about it...and just march forward pretending to be the strongest soldier in ur clan.Its not gonna come eaasily to u, but in the long run,like all the moms out there,u learn to strike a balance and maybe later on years later,u wud actually be able to think about such panic attacks and laugh out loud and say;"to think I was so silly"!!! I am hoping I wud be able to do just that, but for now I am just a nervous mom!!!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The First Encounter!!!

Dear Sakshi,
     HAve u ever been wheeled through a hospital corridor facing the ceiling lights...??? trust me its nightmarish! Well that's exactly how I felt when  I stood before the camera for the very first time...It was a time when VJing wasn't that much in vogue and I for one had no intentions whatsoever to do something like VJing!!! It was through my uncle and aunt that I first got the opportunity and seriously I had my misapprehensions...I was pushed and prodded and ya finally we got to the studio...Seeing the huge glum building loom up, my spirits hit the junkyard! sheesh!!! What the hell am I doing here..? Sigh! Well then I was here so no running away from it! I was with my mom and aunt...and we were asked to wait for a while in the lounge, which looked anything but comforting!! Soon I was asked to move to the make up room so that I could get ready! A brilliant display of lights flashed at me, as I entered the room...why did they need soo much lights...? I was completely lost...Hmm but the stylist was a ray of hope! He was jovial and made me feel comfy, probably coz' he has seen a lot of jittery idiots like me before...:-) and he then went on to say just what I had thought, but more kindly! Soon it was over and I dared to take a peek into the mirror and I was like, oh! not wow! but oh! is that really me??? Hmm the wonders of make up...well even that wudn't lift my spirits....I was then taken to the actual floor they call it, for the recording and I felt like I walked into a dungeon lit with dim lights and huge appliances here and there and everywhere! Given a choice I wud have taken my  magic wand and whoosh! to what awaited me in the dungeon studio floor...later folks! unnikuttan  has woken up and is trying to make a grab for the lappyy help! Bye guys!!! take care!
Dear Sakshi,
   I thought I'd rather continue from here than create a new where were we..? aah! yes I finished my makeup and was taken to their recording studio, which was eerily dark with just lights here and there...Not many people there to give me a welcome speech...I was given a sheaf of papers, I think 10 sheets...and was simply asked to learn them by heart!!! I literally flinched...u see back then I wasn't that good in mugging up stuff...Hmm...The show was a special episode on the latest movies slated aschristmas releases!!! So it was a very special episode...and I was asked to put in a lot of smile and attitude and that was about it!!! :-/ Whew! I don't  remember having ever felt such an intense suffocation before, u know how its like when u sit in front of the exam paper and realise that u have totally and completly gone blank!!! Well the crew were pretty patient with me for that matter, coz' they knew I was a newcomer and all that...I managed to learn the first sheet which had 3 paragraphs in it....and I said I was ready, as if I were gonna wage a war or something...:-$ Well they switched on literally every blaring light and I felt as if I was illuminated like a christmas tree and the rest of the room was plunged in darkness!!! Yikes! Well I started off sputtering and gawking! Gosh it was an embarassing mess! I then realised I still had to put on the mike!!! what was I jumping at the cam for? aargh! Well how could I have known that! I could hear an unintentional giggle from some part of the darkness, to top up my embarassment...They told me to take it easy...well easier said than done...but then the chief cameraman told me that if they were to put him in front of the cam, he wouldn't be able to say a it was ok...I actually smiled and felt a loot better. From thereon it was a fairly bumpy ride, I wouldn't say smooth coz I knew there were shortcomings, I wouldn't know where to focus, my attention would waver, in between I would forget the lines...But above all that, I had a great crew, who knew when to tease me, when to be firm with me and when to relax me and save me from any intense embarassment...In short I realised that the director and the camera crew, even the lightboys had a major role in moulding my first ever experience in front of the camera, and I thank all of them now, for having had the patience to tolerate me and to have the kindness to boost my confidence as well...:-) So folks that was my first encounter! and do peep in this column for more interesting encounters...Have fun guys!!!

Monday, February 7, 2011


Dear Sakshi,
     Its not easy to live in a world wherein u have to face hypocrites, mostly in our routine lives! not that I myself am a self proclaimed non hypocrite!!! :-) There's a very fine line between hypocrisy and survival hypocrisy...Its kinda confusing...there are times when u really wanna be true and open hearted, but then u realise that its better to be labeled a hypocrite than trying to come across as a perfect individual...We all have had to burden ourselves with social hypocrisy at one point or the other, and yes! it hasn't been a gratifying the end of it all u feel disappointed with urself! Why should life be sooo complicated...coming to my life its just like everyone else's...:-) very simply put i.e.My policy in life is that at the end of the day u should feel content and at peace with urself....instead of feeling disgusted and frustrated with ourselves. If that's possible then kudos! u are on the road to safe havens!!! meaning maybe ur conscience is not gonna torture u when ur 60 plus in ur life!  I remember one of my older relatives once commenting, that its not our youth that matters, its definitely the old age, coz that's when lifes additions and subtractions truly come to light and the ultimate result shoudn't disappoint u. When I started working in media, I was just a school going teen. Since then I haev evolved as a woman, as an individual and in that process I  have come across quite a few of the above mentioned species (hypooos), and also I have come across people of both negative and positive shades. I have been surprised, frustrated, shocked, angry, sad, disappointed and also happy! So for the coming days I might indulge u guys with some of my behind the camera experiences. In there u will find a true mixture of people and I guess media had been the perfect school for me in life,(though its just been 9 years now, and i know its too early to be introspective) coz I have come across different realms of life, subtle and loud, and together they have painted the canvas of my life a brighter shade.Thereby this one is for all those people who have influenced my life in a positive way and to all those people in the realm of media who taught me as to what not to be....coz sometimes the negatives can bring out more of the positives in u than the actual positives itself...sorry if I sounded boring...but this is what I am, my thoughts and musings...I am no literary expert or a social critic, just a 26 year old woman who likes to think aloud! So with all humility,wait for the next one guyz! :-)...coz therein I will begin at the beginning, like how David Copperfield! though not that introspective or fine....I luvd David Copperfield!!! It was one classic that first introduced me to hypocrisy,deceit and what not! and how the social world is woven around it, like a spider's web!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Just Scribbling!!!

Dear Sakshi,
      When ur emotionally drained what do u usually do...well...they say to channel ur energy towards positive realms and charge ur low! but it works ok? I know of people who go into a scribbling frenzy just when they feel challenged or when they are in the deepest of melancholy moods...:-) not that i feel the same way...i knw when i wanna write, my fingers literally fly over the keyboard and it doesn't stop unless the flow of thoughts stop....I don't knw if that's the way ur supposed to feel. Another thing I noticed were my spelling mistakes...sorry guys, usually I don't get the time to recheck what I have written. Mostly its a wild chase to pen down my thoughts as fast as possible before the little one wakes up...These days I have to do everything quickly, be it cooking, cleaning or even (sigh!) going to the! Seriously!!! coz every nano second matters....right now i keep making trips to his bedroom to see if he is waking up or not...:-))) so blogging is usually last on my list, and if at all I do blog, then I have  to do it fast and no reviews are allowed. The only major plus point being that my typing speed has increased!!!
      I am on a dieting spree which tastefully allows space for my lil' treats as well....But I am gradually on the road to better dress sizes! Immediately after ur delivery, there is this irresistable urge to look good,which usually doesn't happen since u are probably looking like a deflated baloon! Sigh! But a word of advice to my friends who are on the road to motherhood...Don't worry,it will pass...but always concentrate on ur face!!! Don't look sloppy and try as much to look fresh and neat and with a smile on ur face....I knw I knw, even with ur under eye dark circles and mood swings and all u can still feel good, if ur presentable and look good to urself in the mirror, hmmm and maybe a new haido will also give u the instant feel good hormones!!!...There are gonna be a zillion comments thrown at u, oh boy!!! its just amazing how totally insensitive and stupid people can be during thost post preggy times...whew!!! Ur gonna feel the same way, trust me! Initially it was really irritating for me, but then I realised, what the hell, if I feel beautiful then well and good...soon the yapping tongues faltered...:-) So this time Sakshi I dedicate this to  positive thinking, which I terribly lack! So in order to boost positive thinking, I write about positive thinking! ;-) By the way, quite a bit of my friends are nearing their due date....All the best gurlz!!! and I'll be praying for all of u...and remember no matter how much the pain focus on the moment u'll be seeing ur lil' one!!!! So adios until next time, keep smiling folks!!! Time for me to have my London Diary Lite Vanilla Icecream ;-) sigh! God bless the one who created icecreams!!! :-)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The first moment of pure bliss!

Dear Sakshi,
       Unnikuttan is taking his beauty sleep time for me to enter into my small world of thoughts....I have never shared with u guys the very first moments of my motherhood....something i wanted to delve into only when i had the time for it...i mean those were life's most amazing moments despite the pain and all!!! YESSS! The pain was mightmarish, but i still remember the words of my gyn, the anaesthesiologist and the nurses....I was blessed with a gr8 gyn team!!! I remember kicking one of the doctors, lol!!! It was complete mayhem...I went from normal to c-section in a matter of hours!!! I was aware of everything as a blur, but the moment the doc pulled my baby out and said its a boy!!! is the clearest most sharpest moment of my life!!! I obviously cudn't see beyond a green sheet....(not tht i wanted to!) :-) All I was straining for was to hear his cries...coz u know u hear all sorts of labour jists...and everyone talks about the first cry....I remember reading about labour from the point of view of the babyyy...have we ever thought about tht??? Its always our pain, and discomforts....but the baby once it comes out has this major struggle for his first breath...its almost like drowning and being saved at the last min...yes i remember was in reader's digest!!! Since then i was always curious about the baby's first ever cry....the first time he fights with life ever...I cudn't hear it at first,a sharp panic touched my heart, soon after which i heard the doc giving one tight slap! ouch! Hmmm the first slap he gets!!! and yes ths angry young screaming lil' guy was lifted out and shown to me...I saw him! my angel!!! only he wasn't too happy...I could almost hear him say,"What the hell mama!!! I was taking a nap n a comfy corner and just then u had to pull me out! Mothers!!! and Gyns!!! Hmph!" Lol! :-D And then just when i was trying to figure out his tiny tiny eyes and nose...Blackout! Sheesh!!! U know u hardly get seconds to see ur lil one as a whole in a c section...i mean with a bit of consicousness that is....u need to wait quite some time  before u can see him again....Whew!!! I then wondered about my gyn...she has delivered hundreds and hundreds of babies...and each time its a heartening experience...they have the same twinkle in their eye, the satisfaction, and yes though they are tired and do the same drill a zillion times...they don't forget to smile at u....and say,"Conrats its a boy" :-) or girl....:-))
          But then the pain came...oh wow!!! it was one hell of a pain...all my c section friends wud understand what i mean....I was wheeled out hours later...and i remember looking skeptically at my nurse when she said I should be up and walking the next day!!! I was like yup ur kidding!!! :-D What would we have done without such good docs and nurses!!!! So this one I dedicate to the entire team at the Credence Hospital and my gyn Dr Santhamma Mathew...We always talk about our experiences, but I was wondering about how helpless these lil angels are...for them each and every day would have been trying and frustrating for them...Its never possible to fully understand an infant until they start talking, but as a mother u can always sense to a certain accurate extent what they would want....It was sooo tough initially....but then today when he managed to pull himself up on to the sofs by himself.....and gave me a joyful giggle....i knw it means a lot for him!!!! :-)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hellooo 2011!

Dear Sakshi,
   Gosh I can't believe tht my last post was on july!!! Sorry guyss was terribly busy! Am back in Doha nw and can u imagine??? my lil' angel is gonna turn a year old this March 5th!!! And last year I was writing about his kicks and stunts in my! Well he is doing all that and more now! He crawls pretty fast now, and is trying to walk!!!! His each milestone was met with surprise and pure joy! No matter how irritated or depressed I become,one lil' mischeivious grin of his, can wipe away all my woes if any! I am able to concentrate more on my music and dance nw...yess its very difficult to manage everything, its like walking on the pole in a circus! Whew! But there is a joy within, a feeling of goodness, of being part of a family and of having someone to call ur own to fight with, to cry and laugh with, to yell and scream in frustration and then to feel completely stupid about it....yesss my poor hubby had to bear with all of it! But when I think about it I realise that that's what makes life complete....vinuz had had to bear the brunt of my moods... :-) but he had  always been there as a strong support! Its heartening to see father and son play and fight with each other....they share a special bond and I just like to sit back and watch the scene unfold.... My lil'guy is growing and i can't still grasp the reality of it all!!! Luv the two most amazing men in my life!!!!