Sunday, June 17, 2012

Random thoughts on a rainy night!!!

Dear Sakshi,
      Heyyy there again!!! I just can't sleep and why is that so...? Well simply because in two days time I am gonna be travelling again with unix and that alone makes me wanna hide somewhere. Sigh! I soooo hate packing and no matter how much different manoevres I use, I always end up having excess baggage and its like I am going in for a war!!! I know I know!!! u may call it a case of completely unwanted brain stress...well lets put it this way, I am not somebody who likes travelling, most definitely detest it, when u have a fidgety,naughty and a completely uncontrollable 2 year old! Well thank God! I am travelling in the wee hours of the morning, which is actually the lifesaving part of my journey, since my lil' fellow loves his beauty sleep. Not that he gives me that much of a trouble when u compare the usual racket other kids present, while on a flight. Last time I remember there was this kid, around 4 or 5 years old was wailing through the entire 4 hour duration of the flight, and despite the fact that I proclaimed my son an angel at the precise moment, I just couldn't sleep with all the racket, whereas my baby boy slept through!!! The verdict...I still managed to look harassed and tired!!! I can't imagine how people fly with kids for the 12 hour 18 hour euro flights...yikes!!! Imagining myself in such a predicament...whether my son cooperates or not, I am sure to jump out in mid air, screaming "blue murder"!!! So I guess its evident the issue is with my mental make up and my preconceived notions regarding journeys...and not just the fact that I am travelling with a very curious and active toddler. I have this terrible urge to break free and be adventurous, but some stupid part of me always waved the red flag. Even while in school or college I was always comfortable treading known, well paved paths, and unlike my friends, was too scared to try anything new...I kinda regret it now, maybe I should have just gone out and completely freaked out, without a worry in the world...which doesn't mean I do it the wrong way and embarrass myself and my loved ones. There is still a part of me that wants to break free, to try new stuff, do things I would never have done before, go completely mad u know berserk for a day!!! Lol! Now that would have been fun...why didn't I ever think about all this when I could have done them, I don't know...There were people who told me that I was a stubborn fool who was letting go of a time that would never return, some told me that I had built a wall around me and that I wouldn't let anyone enter my domain...and there were yet others who told me that the day I listened to the inner me and let myself go, life would be much easier and stress free. I always had striven to be someone who followed the rules, if u know what I mean, always went by the book. Even when it came to my taste buds, I would refuse to try and taste something completely unknown to me, coz' i was scared of the outcome...always!!! I really wish I had done a lot of things I had refused to do, because that was not expected of me and now as a mother, there is this part of me, who wants to be a kid all over taste the variety and spice of life I had stayed away from. Its not that I didn't have fun, but it was fun that was in the schedule of life...Maybe later on in life I might just go out and bang! do something no one expected me to do...I used to be scared to even dream and now I realise the stupidity of it...I was predictable, understandably so...there was a set frame people put me in and were I to even slightly shift from it, people would have this surprised look on their faces which clearly said it much so that I gave people the excuse to underestimate me...I wouldn't blame anyone but myself...I have now learned to discover myself and as each day dawns, I am loving myself more and gaining oodles of confidence and strength!!! Being a mom does that to u...and being supported by a great family is the icing on the cake. Now when people tell me," No I don't think u will be able to do it or achieve it" I just smile and whisper to myself..."Watch me do it my friend , I am soo gonna love disappointing u." I believe myself to be a phoenix, time and again and I guess that's the beauty of life....jeeyo zindagi khulke!!!!  Its raining outside and its just the perfect moment to be unwinding and ruffling your thoughts...goodnight folks, ma lil' angel is fast asleep and now I am ready to travel to depths of the earth with a 2 year old, packing and all!!! Thank u dear Sakshi, for unfolding my musings to u have truly lightened my heart!!!